


Ode to 2006

by lostatsea



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: 2006, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Basketball, Be careful with that one, But only if you squint, College Talk, Coming Out, F/M, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Music, Senior year, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, be careful, guitar center, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-02 02:41:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17879540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostatsea/pseuds/lostatsea
Summary: While his teammates droned on about who hooked up with who, who was wearing what, and who looked the hottest, Tyler stared off into space. The line to purchase food was piled out of the cafeteria doors, and Tyler silently thanked his mom for insisting that he and his siblings bring their own lunch for the first day of school. Maybe, however, it would have gotten him out of this useless chatter.But that’s when he spotted him: a head full of brown, curly hair and squinted eyes, and a delicate pink-lipped smile.





	Ode to 2006

**Tuesday: September 5, 2006.**

Tyler placed his lunchbox down on the table, its surface gleaming from the freshness of summer and a break in the constant abuse from the daily influx of high schoolers. However, that grind and routine was back into action as September had finally rolled around, and the lunchroom was sprawling with students crawling in from every entrance. 

Luckily, Tyler had a seat and a group; being a member of the basketball team made him a part of  _ something _ . They hung out together, played sports together, and even went to parties together. Tyler didn’t know if he truly thought of them as friends, but at least he had people.

The rest of his team dissolved into their established positions at the table from last year, the newcomers being squished towards the end, and the group fell into an easy conversation about the politics of the last end of the summer party. 

Tyler had been there, of course, much to his parent’s liking. But he stayed to the side and out of everyone’s way, simply watching the drama unfold from afar while he collapsed alone to a soft, hummed tune. 

Music was blaring, drinks were being poured, and it was always out of hand. Every time, he longed to be at home in the safety and quiet of his room, but some things had to be done to keep a starting role on the basketball team. Being a hermit meant being an outcast, translating into no chemistry and playing time. That couldn’t be him. For his parent’s sake.

But the lunchroom chatter was no better than the actual party itself. At least, Tyler thought, he had the opportunity to drown himself in the surrounding atmosphere.

While his teammates droned on about who hooked up with who, who was wearing what, and who looked the hottest, Tyler stared off into space. The line to purchase food was piled out of the cafeteria doors, and Tyler silently thanked his mom for insisting that he and his siblings bring their own lunch for the first day of school. Maybe, however, it would have gotten him out of this useless chatter.

But that’s when he spotted him: a head full of brown, curly hair and squinted eyes, and a delicate pink-lipped smile. He was sporting a band t-shirt, too far away to make out the specifics, but a pair of black skater vans sat on his feet. He looked like a personality he’d find browsing through a record shop or surfing through instruments at a Guitar Center. 

The guy was entranced in a conversation with another boy in line, one Tyler recognized but didn’t know his name. The school was large, but he usually was able to identify passing faces as at least familiar. 

But the brown, curly-haired boy was not in his facial repertoire. Who was he? Was he new? 

But in the blink on an eye, the line progressed, and a group of kids sitting at a table in front of the cafeteria blocked his view of the new, captivating face. Tyler was forced to slip out of his trance, and the reality of the situation hit him with a heavy heart. He glanced at the table around with frantic eyes but released a sigh of relief when he confirmed that no one noticed his staring. No one could ever.

Nonetheless, he bought his lunch at the school cafeteria the next day.

 

**Friday: September 22, 2006.**

The football game was cold and noisy and long and boring. But everyone always came. 

The basketball team sat huddled in their section of the bleachers, hollering and howling at every change in the game unfolding before them. The football team at their school was so atrocious that their cheering was almost ironic, but that didn’t seem to stop the school from piling near the football field every Friday night to catch the game.

The cheerleaders were sprawled out across the track surrounding the field, pom-poms in hand and loud calls emanating from their mouths. Tyler knew most of them from basketball games and parties, but one in particular, Jenna, was someone that Tyler knew very well. Their families had grown up nearby and attended the same church. Thus, from childhood, Tyler and Jenna were destined to be together. His parents loved that.

And Tyler loved Jenna, but she was nothing more than someone to talk to and confide in, someone to hang out with and have fun with. Tyler wasn’t interested, no matter how hard he tried. He wondered if Jenna felt the same.

“Tyler, are you coming out with us after the game?” He heard his name from behind him and turned to see Paul, the main voice of the group.

“Yeah, where to?” Tyler replied nonchalantly, forcing himself to add a small smile on his face. 

“Not sure yet,” Paul tugged in the varsity jacket he was wearing and nudged his friend in the side, another basketball player. “You think Rob’s parents will be mad if we raid his basement before hand?”

Tyler tuned out the response and sighed. But just as he turned his head to face the field again, he felt a bag collide against his shoulder and he looked up, eyes wide.

“Dude, I’m so sorry! That’s my fault. I wasn’t even looking,” the boy rambled on, eyes dashing from side to side with panic. “Is your shoulder okay? I hit it pretty hard.”

Tyler didn’t reply; he wasn’t listening. Instead, he was focused on the brown, curly hair and the dark eyes before him, and he instantly knew that it was the same boy he saw on the first day of school. He was staring, of course, and the boy seemed to be staring at him too. 

But that was most likely because Tyler had not responded to his numerous questions…  

“You there? I really am sorry that I didn’t see you.” The boy continued.

Tyler blinked. “No, it’s my fault.”

The boy smiled, and his eyes cascaded into wide squint that made Tyler’s heart melt. “It really was mine. I’ll take the blame for this.” 

Tyler grinned back helplessly, but the still nameless boy walked away. The encounter was brief yet strangely impactful, but Tyler was elated to know the boy was sitting nearby only in the row ahead. 

His didn’t watch the game for the rest of the remaining time. 

When the timer finally rang and an obvious loss was secured once again for the high school, the groups of kids on the bleachers still sat, bustling with gossip and plans for the rest of the night.

Tyler stole every glance he could at the boy in front of him instead. His hair was still as curly as he remembered, the individual locks seeming to dance on his head and fall with a certain grace. He was so entranced that he didn’t even notice Jenna taking a seat next to him. It took Jenna placing her jacket around his back for Tyler to jump back and shake his head.

“Jenna! Really?” He rolled his eyes with a lopsided smile.

“Enjoy the game?” Jenna asked, ignoring his exclamation and taking out the braids in her hair. 

“Oh, definitely,” Tyler nodded his head enthusiastically, the sarcasm dripping from his smile. “It sucks that we lost again, but I think that’s because the cheerleaders might be inadequate for the job.”

“Sure,” Jenna laughed, leaning her back lower and letting her hair fall. “We practice way more than those football players.”

“I’m not saying you don’t. I’m just saying it’s not working.”

Tyler smiled when Jenna grinned and snickered at his comment, relishing in the fact that this may have been his only real connection that he had with another person.

And yet, their friendship still felt so distant and artificial. She was sitting close to him, he was wearing her jacket, and to any observer, it would be easy to assume that they were dating. Tyler began to fidget with his hands and stare downward at that thought. He was once again trapped in the spiral of his thoughts, only glancing up for a moment to look at the curly-haired boy who had not yet moved. 

Jenna seemed to notice Tyler’s sudden shift in demeanor, and she scooted away from him.   

“We don’t have to do this pretending thing if you don’t want to,” Jenna hummed quietly. “I just thought it would help the matter.”

Tyler felt his heart drop and rapidly shook his head. “I don’t know what you mean—”

“Tyler, I saw you the whole time from the track,” Jenna admitted blatantly and turned to look at Tyler in the eye. “You don’t have to hide it.”

“I honestly don’t know what you mean.” The lies were dripping from his mouth before he could stop them, just like the cold sweat dripping down his face. “I really, really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jenna sat for a moment in front of him, a questioning gaze marked on her face. It seemed as if she was studying Tyler and watching his calm composure break into something concerned and  _ lost _ . 

“I shouldn’t have brought this up,” Jenna retreated back suddenly, grabbing her stuff that she had put down next to her.

Tyler stared into space, eyes wide with worry.

“I didn’t mean to start something. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to,” she said rapidly, rubbing her forehead with her palm. “Honestly—my bad.”

Tyler gulped, wordless.

“I might be catching a ride with someone tonight for the party. Maybe I’ll see you there. Just don’t worry about this.”

“I—um—” Tyler stuttered.

“His name is Josh,” Jenna looked him in the eye one last time before turning and leaving, pom-poms hanging out of her cheerleading backpack.

Tyler felt tears welling in his eyes, yet the boy’s now known name seemed to dance on his tongue in a foreign whisper and a forbidden secret. 

He went straight home that night. 

 

**Tuesday: October 10, 2006.**

A grueling three hour basketball practice had finally drifted to an end, and the twenty-so sweating players wearing colored jerseys trudged over with tired limbs to the corner of the gym.  A pile of bags were sitting in the corner with cold water, untouched and begging to be consumed in the hot, sticky air of the school. 

Tyler was exhausted, dehydrated, and still had a lot of homework left to do. 

It was at least nine at night—he had been at the school since seven in the morning—and there was absolutely no way he was going to make it through this week. It was only  _ Tuesday _ , and the fatigue crawling through his skin and his thoughts plagued him. 

Nonetheless, he somehow carried himself over to his icy water and wondered how he finally made it to the point where he could relax, even if that relaxation just meant him driving home. 

The group of boys didn’t waste time to pick up their bags and head to the locker room as that was the usual location for the general basketball ball team gossip, which usually consisted of planning more parties or sharing the details from the latest one. 

Tonight, Tyler didn’t care for staying around and participating in that. He hadn’t been at the last party, and the facade of caring was too draining to keep up with at that hour. The locker room was stuffy and tight, and everyone’s voices simply added to the clustered environment.

Tyler’s locker was a mess—full of scraps from old chip bags and reeking of unwashed basketball shoes and socks—but he only shrugged once being greeted again with the scene. His basketball number hung above the locker with his last name, Joseph, sitting right below. He squinted his eyes for a moment, noting how strange and surreal, in a weird way, his surroundings seemed. 

He felt a dreadful feeling in his stomach begging him to leave, and so he gathered up his bags to cease those thoughts and began to turn out. His feet, sore and heavy, felt like a burden with every step seeming to drag by in slow motion.

“Leaving so soon?” He heard Paul’s voice pierce his back, and he snapped around to view overly confused eyes with a scrunched forehead.

“Uh—yeah,” Tyler blinked, feeling a wave of stiffness overcome him. “Homework. I have a big test tomorrow.”

“Whatever you say,” Paul shrugged. The undiverted attention of the eyes around them were suddenly locked in their direction. 

Paul, noticing the heavy tension settling in the room, resumed his own business tending his locker and running a gel through his hair. It was purposeful as he murmured, at a volume just loud enough that everyone could here, “What’s with you lately? No party, then this?”

Tyler felt his shoulders tense inward. A trickling piece of sweat remaining from his practice rolled down his forehead and onto his cheek. “It’s school, like I said. Just school.” He leaned back against the locker and made contact with its cool surface, a contrast in temperatures sending a chill up his spine. 

“Sure thing,” Paul smirked and dropped his basketball bag into his locker with a thud. The rest of the room was eerily silent. 

Why was he suddenly being given a hard time?

Tyler shook his head suddenly, his trembling fingers tightly grabbing onto the black straps of his backpack. 

Why was this affecting him so much?

His backpack felt heavy on his shoulders, but it wasn’t as heavy as the weight of his chest carrying him out of the room with all heads tilted toward his departure. The echo of his shoes on the floor remained the only sound in the room, and a cold, horrid feeling churned in his stomach. Covered in sweat and throat tight from the anxiety, he pulled the door open with a tug that shot pain through his overworked arm. 

Just before he stepped out into the barren hallways, a single word slipped out of Paul’s mouth that caused Tyler to spiral even further. It was short, quick, yet it held the impact of a thousand words or more.

“ _ Faggot _ .” It was quiet yet loud.

The privacy of the bathroom wasn’t close enough.

The seemingly slow motion sprawl out of the locker room quickly evolved into a fast paced charge for the comfort of being alone and racing the time until he couldn’t stop the tears cascading down his face.

The metal handle of the bathroom door was cold and foreign but  _ what he needed  _ as he collapsed onto the near wall and  _ sobbed _ . His fingers were curled tightly in a ball, and he raised them to his face to shroud himself in them. He was engulfed in his own trembling arms and shaking legs and scrambling thoughts and a racing heart. 

Tyler knew his basketball team didn’t know about  _ him _ , but nor did they know about the repercussions of that word and it’s ferocious fever of an impact. It spoke for itself and their views, and it showed that the group of people that Tyler spent the most time with at school wouldn’t accept him. 

He expected that, but it was heartbreaking to confirm it. 

This state of loneliness and hopelessness suddenly felt like a forever feeling. He was trapped. Abandoned.

The heartbreaking sob that followed caused the timid figure hiding in the bathroom stall to finally emerge.

“Hey, are you okay out there?” The stall opened slowly, and a brown curly-haired boy with those same gentle eyes came out. 

Tyler looked up, their eyes meeting, and he curled in on himself more. He was huddled as small as he could make himself in the corner, a certain fear engraved in his face. 

The other boy—who Tyler knew was Josh—reflected the same fear onto his face as he sat down next to the crying boy, careful to give a small space between the two.

“You don’t have to talk,” Josh said gently, turning to face Tyler.

Tyler sighed, wiping his eyes, and he look another large breath.  _ Good, because I don’t want to _ , he thought to himself.

God, he was ruining his chances. _But there’s no chance away_ , he sighed internally.  

“That’s fine,” Josh responded before going quiet momentarily, seemingly to pause to contemplate what to say next.

Silence fell in the room, and Tyler’s small sniffs were the only sounds to fill the air.

“You’re Tyler, right?” Josh finally broke the silence, still speaking softly. 

Tyler nodded.

“Yeah, I thought so,” he smiled, and Tyler watched his eyes squint. “I’m Josh.” Tyler’s heart nearly fluttered for a second at that sight, but a dominant force of nausea swept in before he could enjoy the feeling. 

“Jenna tells me all about you,” Josh continued, sweeping a curl away from his forehead. “She’s in my cooking class, so there’s a lot of time for chatter. She’s your friend, right? You guys are friends?”

Again, Tyler nodded. He tapped his foot slightly to expel some nervous energy, but his mind still buzzed. Jenna was talking about  _ him _ ? What did she reveal to Josh?

“That’s what I thought,” Josh leaned himself back again the wall. “I heard you’re basically the star of the basketball team. That’s pretty dang cool. All I do is drum.” He paused, “And I used to do the marching band at my old school. I was actually just trying it out tonight, but I rang in here instead and was hiding.”

Tyler looked up to meet his eyes.

Josh lightly grinned at the slight shift in Tyler’s demeanor. “Yeah, it definitely wasn’t my cup of tea. This school is so  _ big _ . I’ve never seen a more competitive atmosphere.

“But anyway,” Josh continued, “Jenna was talking about how good you are at sports and that I have to come see you play. I can’t believe I finally got to meet the legend himself.” He added a chuckle.

Tyler shook his head. 

“I know, I know. Not under the best circumstances. But what’s the matter, man? Did someone say something? Were you at basketball practice?” Josh questioned, but his tone was still causal and light. He wasn’t probing him.

“If you think you’re going to get me to talk about it, you’re wrong,” Tyler sighed and fiddled with his fingers. “I don’t like to talk about this.”

 “Okay. Okay,” Josh repeated, eyes kind and concerned. “That’s fine. I’m sorry if I was too harsh. My bad.”

 Tyler shook his head mumbling, “You weren’t.” 

Josh nodded, “How are you now? You seem to be a little better than before.”

Tyler let out a breathe. “Yeah.” He shrugged. “When I forget about it, it goes away. I’ll probably just always pretend to forget.  _ Or _ forget about it to pretend. Whichever one works better.” 

“I know we don’t know each other that well,” Josh began, “but I’d like to if that’s okay with you. If you ever want to talk you can reach out to me—about this or just about anything.”

Was this happening?

“Here—just put your number in my phone,”  Josh handed him his flip phone. 

Tyler began to type his number and name, although his still shaking hands made it hard to correctly press each key.

“I’ll text you now, so you’ll have mine,” Josh smiled wide, looking at the phone. “Tyler Joseph, hmm? I like that.”

A slight smirk crept onto Tyler’s face.

“Want to walk out together?” Josh asked.

“Is the basketball team gone?”

Josh nodded, starting to stand . “I think I already heard them walk past.” He reached out a hand to help Tyler up.

Tyler rubbed his eyes and placed his hand on his forehead, noting the large throbbing headache beginning to settle in. “Don’t tell Jenna what happened,” he said suddenly, a bit sharply. 

“Of course not, man,” Josh shook his head, turning the door of the bathroom open again. The school looked empty. 

“I appreciate that,” Tyler responded softly, keeping his head low. “Thanks for,” he paused “ _ this,  _ I guess.”

Josh shrugged. “Of course. You better text me, though, okay?”

Tyler nodded and smiled slightly as they walked toward the exit, but he still kept his head low and tensed his shoulders. This was only the beginning.

 

**Thursday: October 12, 2006.**

Nightly family dinner was one of the remaining Joseph household traditions from childhood, and tonight was no outlier. 

The six members squeezed around their dining room table with pasta bowls and vegetables on the side, televisions silent and homework away. They always had at least twenty minutes solely dedicated to eating and talking, a mandate by their mom to make the family  _ bond _ more. 

Most of the time, Tyler didn’t mind his family. His brother Zack was nearly his age and played basketball as well, his sister Maddy was only a tad younger and attended the same school, and the youngest Jay was a typical middle school video game addict. His parents, both teachers, embodied the stereotypical framework of their demographic; they set rules but weren’t too strict, they attended church but weren’t devoutly conservative, and they were kind but had their limits.

Tyler felt so fortunate to have a  _ decent _ family—one that he could spend his time with and appreciate. Sure, they were somewhat insistent on playing basketball for scholarship money and doing well in school, but all parents wanted success for their children.

But tonight, the conversation at the dinner table started as peaceful and quiet, only bothering to touch the surface of topics such as school classes and the weather.

That was until Maddy began.

“Can I invite someone over this Saturday?” She started quiet as she danced her fork around in her plate. 

Their mother looked up, smiling. “Sure, sweetie. What’s her name?” 

Maddy blinked hesitantly, settling her utensils down. “Actually—it’s a—he’s a boy?” she gulped out, her statement more like a question, and she paused. Her eyes remained fixated on her dinner.

“Oooh!” Jay chimed, puckering his lips. “Maddy’s got a boyfriend!”

“It’s not like that, Jay,” she muttered softly, rolling her eyes. 

“Well, sure, honey,” their mom spoke again, slowly. “I don’t see why not.” She tilted her chin up to their father’s direction, prompting him to speak on the matter.

He cleared his throat sharply. “As long as he doesn’t sleep over, then I don’t think that would be a problem.”

Zack raised his eyebrows at Tyler, rolling his eyes to the back of his head, and smirked. 

Maddy didn’t see this reaction, but instead, she smiled to herself and resumed eating the pasta that she had barely touched before. Tyler studied her facial expressions and watched them hint of silent satisfaction.

“Could I bring a girl home?” Jay suddenly piped up, chuckling. “There this one girl in my gym class that I’d—”

“Quit it,” their mother sharply eyed the youngest boy, raising her napkin slightly in agitation. 

“I’m with Jay,” Zack nodded and scrunched his eyebrows inward. “I’m older than Maddy, and I never got to bring a girl home. When can I do that?”

“Jay and Zack, cut it out,” their father said finally, his words sharp and strict.

The two boys sat back in their chairs, biting their lips. Their father’s word was always final. 

“Maddy can bring whomever she wants home,” their father continued. “Let’s stop being childish and immature.”

Tyler looked around, a small pit of nerves in his stomach rising up as he wondered if  _ he _ could bring anyone he wanted to home. 

His parents  _ maybe _ would accept it, his siblings would maybe not mind, but an aching sense of loneliness and isolation geared him away from being more open. They would look at him differently, for sure, and the jokes could possibly be more ruthless than the ones cast on Maddy.

Tyler settled down his fork and excused himself, using the excuse of homework for the second time in the week. 

He ran up the stairs with heavy legs and closed his door as soon as he arrived in his sanctuary.

As soon as he hit his bed, he let his mind take him. The mattress felt foreign and cold and uncomfortable. His ceiling fan went around and around and around. 

An emotionless grip entranced him in complete hopelessness, and he was trapped in the thoughts in his brain rather than being present in reality. It was a detached, separated feeling, like his own arms and legs didn’t belong to him. Maybe his way of handling life was becoming disconnected from it all. 

The impossibility of improvement crawled through his mind, and he knew he was stuck in this infectious, everlasting state. He didn’t want to come out of his shell, so he would have to let the shell cover him. 

Who did he have? What was his future?

_ Maybe I don’t have a future, _ he shrugged to himself. His words weren’t even a whisper, but they carried to the ceiling fan and spun around the room in a tornado. Maybe the wind would sweep him away and take him somewhere else where he wouldn’t have to deal with this. 

 

**Friday: October 20, 2006.**

He spotted Jenna in the hallway before lunch, and he purposely kept his head low and tried to navigate away. He would be lucky if she never saw him, but as soon as they met eyes for a split second, Tyler knew he was in trouble. A paralyzing feeling swept through him as she picked him out of the crowd and walked over, pulling him aside gently. 

They haven’t really talked in awhile, probably since that football game, which was unusual for their friendship. Tyler wasn’t intentionally avoiding her, but he was making no effort to reach out. Had she tried to text him? He didn’t even know. 

Closer up, Jenna had concern plastered on her face. “Let’s talk, okay?” 

Tyler’s shoulders tensed up as he was pulled to the side near the lockers. His lips stayed shut. 

“I’ve been trying to text you,” Jenna started, taking his hands into hers.

“I didn’t know.” He bit his lip, fear panging through him. “I’ve been busying trying to keep on top of basketball and school and friends and _everything_ ,” Tyler said, speaking softly. “I’ve been trying to figure out things lately.” 

“But don’t isolate yourself, Ty.” 

He remained silent. 

“I know I may have overstepped my boundaries the last time we talked,” Jenna began, “but you shouldn’t hide from everyone. That’s just going to make it worse.” 

“I haven’t been doing it purposely. Like I said, it’s just been busy,” Tyler shrugged, taking in a large breath. 

“But how do I know that? I’ve been trying to contact you, and I even debated driving to your house and knocking on your door. I get worried, Ty. Ever since last year…” her voice trailed off. “We don’t need that to happen again.” 

“This is not last year,” Tyler tugged his hands back from Jenna’s grasp. “I’ve just been  _ busy _ .

“But again, I don’t know that,” Jenna sighed, running her hands through hair in distress. “I don’t know.” 

“You’re overreacting about this all. I’m fine,” Tyler shook his head and leaned against the locker. “I appreciate your concern, but I promise you that it’s all fine.” 

Jenna was silent for a moment. “Yeah, I guess I am just overreacting.” 

Tyler nodded. 

“But can you please make sure to reach out—at least once in a while. I need to know you’re okay, and I’m sure that you could use some company,” Jenna continued. “I don’t see you at lunch or in any of my classes this year.” 

Tyler nodded again. 

“There’s a party tonight at Debby’s house, you know, the cheerleader who is semi-decent. If you’re up for it, there’s supposed to be a lot of people there. Invite the basketball team if you want so there will be people you know there.” 

“I guess,” Tyler gave a lopsided smile. He knew that Jenna wanted him to go, and it would be a chance to prove that he was okay. 

Jenna smiled. “I’ll pick you up at seven?” 

Tyler nodded once more before turning away. It was not going to be a fun night.

** 

The whole school was practically packed into a small basement, and the conjoining elements of music, alcohol, and people did not mix well for Tyler.

He had already lost Jenna two minutes ago in the sea of people, but he spotted a part of the basketball team hanging on in the corner. Since the incident in the locker room, he had been trying to reluctantly reconcile his relationship with some of the people on the team. It had worked, for the most part. But there were some people he never wanted to see again. Paul included. 

Tyler weaved his way through the crowd over to the group of basketball players, and he let out a sigh of relief when they greeted him with no animosity. 

They fell into an easy conversation about their upcoming scrimmage on Saturday, which Tyler was dreading, but he didn’t have that much longer before the actual season began and college scouts would gather on the sidelines. He needed this practice, and he needed a scholarship. He would just have to deal with it.

When the conversation drifted to gossip about Amelia and Tom and Sarah and Mark and names he couldn’t keep track of, he began to question the whole night. Was this really worth putting up with just to please everyone?

“I’m going to get another drink,” Tyler lied as he excused himself from the conversation and entered the massive crowd once again. Everyone was everywhere, and he was just about to head for the bathroom to hide when he heard a voice behind him. 

“It’s like we’re at a general admission concert.”

He turned around quickly to be pleasantly surprised.

“Josh?” Tyler couldn’t help but smile. “How come you’re here?”

“My friend Brendon dragged me over,” he clarified. “He practically forced me. I’d never come on my own.”

“Jenna practically forced me,” Tyler laughed, but he quickly fell into a seriousness. “It’s all basketball politics too. I can’t spend too much time alone.”

“That’s all I ever want to do,” Josh let out a small chuckle. 

Tyler nodded.

“Wanna see if we can find somewhere quieter in this place?” Josh suggested, tilting his shoulder toward the upstairs.

“I’m in,” Tyler nodded, feeling some bit of heaviness leave him. “I can’t take it down here much longer.”  

Josh led him toward the back of the room and up the stairs, the bass of the music still pumping through the thick walls. There were a couple of people still in the living room, and Josh looked at Tyler with wide eyes upon the site in the kitchen.

“Outside?” Josh mouthed, before the two immediately headed out the back door and onto the porch. It was the middle of October in Ohio, and the crisp wind breezing through the air did not help combat the already pang of coldness settling in. Still, it was the better alternatives of the crowded basement and upstairs.

Once outside, there were brick steps overlooking the house’s backyard that both Tyler and Josh took a seat at. Everything was dark: the sun had long gone down, and there was only a small house light providing slight illumination. This cast a eeriness upon the scene, and Tyler couldn’t help but slightly shiver. 

They sat in silence for a bit. Tyler watched the leaves on the tree shake in the wind. 

“I like it much better out here,” Josh said quietly, his words dissipating into the cold air. 

Tyler nodded slowly, fidgeting with his hands. 

“Brendon can’t seem to understand the fact that I don’t like to be around a lot of people,” Josh laughed slightly, shaking his head. “Do you know Brendon?” 

Tyler shook his head. “No, I really don’t.” 

“He’s a great person,” Josh continued. “Really hilarious.” 

Tyler turned to face Josh. 

“Like, he practically took me in at the beginning of the year. It’s really hard starting at a new school, and plus, my home life wasn’t the best at that point,” Josh visibility tensed up, biting his lip. 

“I’m sorry. That must have been hard,” Tyler sat back. 

“It was,” Josh sighed. “But that’s pretty random on my part— _ sorry _ —I don’t mean to seem like I’m laying stuff on you.” 

Tyler immediately shook his head. “No, of course not. You’re the one that found me crying in the bathroom after all.” 

Josh looked at Tyler, his eyes holding a certain emotion that Tyler couldn’t read. 

“I’ve been in this town my whole life,” Tyler began to speak once he noticed that Josh wasn’t going to continue. “I was homeschooled up until high school, so I only knew a handful of people from church. Jenna included.” 

Josh nodded for him to continue.

“I had been playing basketball for my whole childhood, so that was my _in_ with high school. It was something I was good at, and I stuck with it. I meet people, I get invited to parties, and,” Tyler paused. He wanted to say that he pretended, but he decided to abandon that sentence and start completely fresh with a different thought. “My parents want me to get a basketball scholarship, which I guess is a good thing. 

“I still have to see you play,” Josh responded, smiling lightly, although he could sense some tension about the matter. Tyler  _ was _ crying in the bathroom just after a basketball practice, he remembered. 

“Our seasons starts in the middle of November,” Tyler looked up hesitantly. “Maybe you can come to a game then.” 

“Only if you see me drum too,” Josh responded, laughing slightly. “I’m in a band.  _ Well, I’m technically just filling in for a band _ . But, we play gigs on the weekends sometimes. It’s pretty cool, but I don’t know if you’re into that underground concert crowd.” 

“I’ve never been to a concert,” Tyler turned his head. “What’s it like?” 

“You’ve never been to a concert?” Josh’s eyes shot wide. 

Tyler nodded, a hesitant smile creeping onto this face.

“Well, it’s loud and crowded, but it’s better than this,” Josh pointed back to the house. “Half of the people there are drunk and not listening, but being on the stage and hitting the drums makes it all worth it.” 

Tyler leaned back, resting his elbows on the brick steps. “Is that what you want to do when you’re older?” He inquired, raising his chin up. “Music?” 

Josh sighed back. “I’d love to... ” his voice trailed off.  “But it doesn’t seem like a plausible career choice. I love the band I’m playing for—House of Heroes—but it’s not guaranteed long-term. I couldn’t see myself with  _ them _ long-term anyway.” 

Tyler nodded. 

Josh shrugged. “I’m not really sure what that’ll do. Maybe guitar center for the rest of my life if music doesn’t pick up. What about you?”

“My parents want me to study business,” Tyler replied back, rolling his eyes. “Business is so boring. Who wants to be stuck sitting in an office all day, doing absolutely nothing?” He paused and readjusted his elbows, which were harshly digging into the brick. “Sometimes I feel like I want my life to have more of an impact than that, but that’s virtually impossible, anyway. I just have to stick with it and hope something good turns out of it. Kinda what I’m doing with basketball.” 

Josh frowned at that comment. “Do you do anything you like? What do you do in your free time? You could do something with that for your future.” 

“I practice basketball.” Tyler bit his lip. “I try to make at least five-hundred baskets each night.” 

“That’s a lot, man. What do you do when you need an escape from all that? When you want to let loose and just have fun, what do you do?” 

Tyler sat back and shrugged. 

“There has to be  _ something _ ,” Josh persisted. “For me, playing drums is such a release. Plus, I can use it to get away from everything.” 

“I mean,” Tyler paused, fumbling for words. “I guess I write a bit.” He looked down on the ground. It was getting really cold out. 

“Really? That’s cool.” Josh grinned, but Tyler shrunk inward. 

“It’s more like scraps of words than actual writing, but I don’t really do it often,” he talked softly, looking around. “I haven’t done it in a while either.” 

Josh noticed his hesitancy and decided to not press the subject matter further. Instead, a silence developed. Only the distant rumble of the music from indoors could be heard, an occasional holler topping it off. 

“I’m sure the basketball team inside is wondering where I am,” Tyler spoke again, his voice sounding even more fragile. “I don’t need a repeat of practice that night. I was supposed to fix all of that tonight.” 

Josh quickly snapped his head to turn to Tyler. “What do you mean?” 

“It’s really complicated,” Tyler began tapping his foot on the pavement, noticing the goosebumps crawling on his leg from the cold. “I’m dealing with it, though.” 

Josh sat back, silent. 

“I might have to head inside,” Tyler spoke up. “I’m not sure where Jenna went.” 

“I guess it is pretty late. I’ll head in too then,” Josh nodded, still taken a little off guard. 

Josh stood up first and reached out his hand for Tyler to stand up with. Tyler smiled slightly; a fluttery feeling raced through his stomach when their hands locked for a moment. 

_ You can’t let yourself enjoy it,  _ he told himself sharply. 

“I’ll catch up with you later then, dude, okay?” Josh grinned, his eyes squinting like Tyler remembered from the first day of school.

Tyler nodded, guilt pooling in his stomach, as he turned back to face everyone else. 

He stared at the notebook in his shelf when he got home that night, but he left the pen and notebook untouched. 

 

 **Thursday: November 2, 2006**  

“Do you have three water bottles packed?” His dad asked him, momentarily shifting his gaze from the road onto his son in the passenger seat next to him. 

“Yes, Dad,” Tyler nodded back. “Three water bottles and a gatorade.” 

“Icy-hot…” his dad mumbled. “What about icy-hot?” 

“I have that too.” 

“And you know this team has that one tall point guard that you have to watch out for,” his dad continued, getting into the left lane to turn towards the high school. 

“I know.” 

“And what did we say about him?” 

“That we should have our tallest man marking him at all times,” Tyler recited, gripping the handle of his basketball bag sitting in front of him. 

“So?” His dad prompted him. 

“I’ll talk to Paul before the game and tell him about that,” Tyler murmured, wincing at the name. He hadn’t told his dad yet about what had happened, and he didn’t plan to. 

“And if you see a college scout and you play well, what do you do?” 

“Introduce myself at the end of the game.” The words were engraved into him at this point. “But Coach said that there wouldn’t be any there because it’s just a scrimmage.” 

“Just in case,” his dad continued, “you always have to be prepared.” 

Tyler gulped. 

“You’ll do great, kid. I know it.” 

And he did do great. 

He was ready to defend at every play, and his offensive work was even more stellar. He had made at least two three-pointers after just the first twenty minutes of playing, and that was only the start. 

Tyler was always nervous about playing well (as playing poorly meant yelling on the way home and fears of no scholarship), but with all the work he had been putting in, he was bound to perform. On top of practices, Tyler had been making baskets at home all of the time and fumbling around with a ball whenever he had gotten the chance. It was all a part of the plan: working hard all year to get a scholarship. He didn’t have any other options, so he did what he knew. 

Just after making another basket right outside the paint, Tyler could see his dad giving him “thumbs up” in the audience, and the crowd seemed to be going crazy at his team’s energy. Tyler jogged backward and quickly made sure he was available as a defender. His heart was beating as he ran, and the way it moved against his chest reminded him of how it felt sometimes at two in the morning. 

But his team was winning, and Tyler was playing well. Everyone was thrilled. That was all that mattered. 

Although the other team was supposedly one of the best in their league, Tyler’s team was somehow coming up victorious, which he definitely knew would get his dad talking about a state championship. Tyler didn’t really want that because it meant an extended season, but maybe it would help him get noticed by more scouts. Much to his dad’s excitement, there were a couple of college scouts at the game, and it was the opportune time to get noticed. 

But Tyler was just focused on the scoreboard and how much time was left. 

And fortunately and eventually, the time did run out. The scoreboard sounded, the referees blew their whistles, and Tyler was exhausted. He had scored twenty-five points for his team, nearly half of the total score. 

At the end of the game, Tyler made sure to introduce himself to the men in clipboards and straight-faced stares, and he could see his dad grinning from the stands above. 

This was a dream, but maybe not his. The basketball uniform felt strange and sticky as it clung to his skin.  

Once back to the sidelines, his coach high-fived him, and his teammates even said congrats. The past had disappeared. On the way home, his dad even offered to buy him a smoothie. 

But he didn’t feel anything as he stared himself in his bedroom mirror later than night. It was dark and cold and it foretold of the winter months ahead. He had sweat still dripping down his forehead, and he could taste its saltiness in his mouth. His arm had a small bruise forming from one play or another, and he could hear his dad talking about him and how well he did in the living room downstairs to his mom. 

He didn’t really care. 

He didn’t care at all. 

He didn’t care that he played well and that college scouts would definitely be reaching out to him and that his coach guaranteed him a starting position and that Paul acted like everything was normal and that he felt so isolated and alone. 

He traced his right hand down his left wrist and thought back to last year and the conversation he had with Josh two weeks ago. 

It was late. He was tired. He would probably be fine by the morning. 

He grabbed the notebook from its shelf, and he let out a laugh when he noticed it had dust on it. He made sure not to look at his past writings as he opened it to a clean page and took out his pen. 

 

**Friday: November 10, 2006.**

He planned to meet Jenna for dinner, and his mom was going absolutely crazy. 

“What are you going to wear?” His mom had exclaimed, rubbing her hands together with excitement. “You’re going to have to fix up your hair too. We should have gotten you a haircut earlier if we knew this was happening.” 

“Mom, I swear,” Tyler sighed, rolling his eyes. “It’s not a date. Jenna and I are just grabbing dinner  _ as friends. _ ” 

“Sure, sure,” his mom shooed him. “I’m sure by the end of the night you’ll feel different. Ask her out on another one.”

“I promise, Mom. Jenna and I are literally just friends,” he turned away from her at the kitchen table. “We just don’t have too many classes together at school, and we want to catch up.” It wasn’t too far from the truth. 

“If you say so,” his mom shook her head and settled the mail down on the counter. 

Tyler took it as an opportunity to escape and began walking up the stairs. “I’ll be down later,” he ended up mumbling. 

“Dad’s hair gel is in our bathroom,” he heard her shout as he was almost in his room, and he sighed heavily. This dinner was the furthest thing from a date, and he wished that he could explain why.  

**

“Thanks for joining me,” Jenna smiled at him as he slid into the booth. “I get you’ve been so busy with basketball and everything. I can’t believe you still have time for your friend  _ Jenna  _ now that you’re a basketball superstar.” 

“I’m far from it,” Tyler shook his head. “But yeah, I’ve been crazy busy.”  

“Did the season start?” 

“Tomorrow, it officially does,” he nodded, “but we’ve been having practices every day and scrimmages left and right. It’s practically never-ending.” 

“How’s that going?” She smiled. 

Tyler shrugged. “It’s going… I guess.” 

Jenna laughed. “Don’t worry, Ty. Honestly, you’re going to be the first person on the team to get the scholarship.” 

“If it happens, it’s expected. If it doesn’t, I’ll deal with that when it comes.” 

Jenna rolled her eyes. “Pessimistic, much?” 

“More like a realist.” Tyler was able to smirk. 

“Cut that out,” Jenna said playfully with a smile. “You’re amazing at basketball.” 

“Thanks,” he shrugged but was thankful when the waitress walked around to take their drink orders. He wanted to abandon the topic of basketball completely. 

Luckily, the conversation shifted from basketball to Jenna’s cheerleading drama within seconds of the waitress leaving, and it carried them throughout their drinks arriving and food orders being taken. Although Tyler was not one to participate or like the gossip, somehow, Jenna made him laugh through it all. She never talked drama just to talk drama—it was always done to put a smile on the other boy’s face. And it worked. 

“Any basketball drama?” Jenna concluded her rant with a question, but Tyler shook his head.  

“Not really. Everything has been pretty plain.” 

“What about with you? What’s been going on?” 

“Basketball, like I said,” Tyler replied. 

“But besides that,” Jenna persisted. “Like with any…” She smiled but didn’t finish her sentence.  

“Jenna,” he shook his head sharply, his tone probably harsher than he intended. “Nothing’s going on with that. I thought you said you’d drop it.” 

“Okay, okay,” she backed off. “I just thought I saw you talking with Josh at that party last month. Was I seeing things?” 

“That was last month,” Tyler looked down at the table, his heart beating fast. “We’re not even  _ friends _ , and I haven’t talked to him since.” Why did Jenna have to bring this up again?

“He’s in my cooking class,” Jenna smiled and looked at Tyler. 

He did not meet her eyes. “I know.” 

“I could talk to him or hint at something—” 

“I thought you said you weren’t going to do this. Can we drop it? Entirely? I don’t want to deal with this right now.” 

“Yeah.” Jenna got quiet. She sipped her coke with her straw. 

It got quiet for a moment, but Jenna was quick to digress into her talking about her sewing class, and Tyler was thankful that he was once again listening to her rambling. She was sweet, really, and Tyler knew that she was only looking out for him. He didn’t really have anyone else, which felt strange to admit, and he knew that even Jenna didn’t know him even an inch below the surface.  

“The kid in the back nearly cut his finger off,” Jenna started laughing. “And that probably would have happened if the teacher hadn’t rushed over and unplugged the machine so quickly.” 

Tyler smiled at her. 

“I took the class thinking it would be a little like Project Runway but was I ever wrong,” she shook her head with a grin. “Even my cooking class is better than sewing, and we made the weirdest shit.” 

“Like what?” Tyler asked. 

“Parsnip Cake.” Jenna shrugged her shoulders. “I’m pretty sure we can’t make anything that is super unhealthy, so they were trying to mix vegetables with desert. It tasted awful.” 

Tyler grimaced. “That’s gross.” 

“But Josh liked it!” Jenna exclaimed, still laughing. “He ate his slice, and then he finished mine for me. I don’t know how. It had the strangest aftertaste.” 

Tyler nodded, the subject of Josh still being a little discomforting, but he tried to shove past that with a smile. 

Luckily, two plates of spaghetti arrived next, and the conversation dulled while the two began eating. 

“Better than your cooking class?” Tyler joked. 

Jenna nodded between mouthfuls. “Anything is better than cooking class.” 

They stayed at the restaurant late that night, ordering a dessert other than parsnip cake and ignoring the comment from the waitress that they were a cute couple. 

 

**Tuesday: November 21, 2006.**

Tyler’s head was buried in a science textbook in the school library, but the paragraphs filling the pages didn’t make sense. Biology was definitely not his favorite subject, but usually, he could get through by listening in class and doing his homework. 

He had about an hour to kill before basketball practice started, so he figured he would work on the packet that he was given to be completed by next class. 

But when he couldn’t get past the first question, he knew it was turning into a problem, and he needed to get it done now. Basketball practice would consume over two hours of his afternoon, and he needed to make even more baskets at home after that. He had to read forty pages of his English book for Thursday as well, and he absolutely could not afford to not understand biology. 

Tyler went back to the beginning of the chapter and tried to focus, paying specific attention to every word. There were diagrams, too, that he made sure to stare at because he just had to comprehend it. He didn’t have any time to spare. 

But then Josh came over and sat down across from him. 

Tyler looked up. 

“Anyone sitting here?” Josh smiled. 

Tyler shook his head. 

Josh pulled out a book. Tyler couldn’t see what it was. 

“We haven’t talked in a month,” Josh laughed, beginning to flip through the pages. “You haven’t texted me.” 

Tyler shrugged. “You haven’t either.” 

“Because I was waiting for you,” Josh spoke simply, finally landing on a page. 

“I’ve been busy,” Tyler looked up from his textbook, and the two met eyes. 

“Basketball?” Josh titled his chin up.

Tyler hummed in agreement. “The season started.” 

“How’s that going?” Josh inquired. 

“Fine.” Tyler started to read the biology textbook again. Josh noticed his and decided not to bother the other boy. 

Tyler tried to focus on learning the material this time, and he did not want to have any interruptions. He had already wasted some time talking to Josh, and he had to be in the locker room soon. Tyler could feel a layer of nerves and dread settling in; he did not want to let his already poor day become worse. 

But when he finished the first two paragraphs in the textbook and the jumble of words still did not seem cohesive and enough for him to understand his homework, Tyler sighed and threw his head back over the chair. 

Josh peeked up from over his book but didn’t stare. 

Tyler sat up again quickly, making sure that no one had noticed, and tried to straighten himself up against the backing of the chair. He coursed his fingers through his hair and returned his eyes onto the textbook. But this time, he didn’t even make it a sentence before his lip was trembling and his mind was blank. 

He closed the book shut, and it made a thud. 

“Don’t like science?” Josh looked up. 

Tyler mumbled something. He had no plans for anyone else to hear it. 

“What’s up?” Josh closed his book too. 

“It’s stupid,” Tyler shook his head, looking off into the distance. 

“I think of a lot of things that are stupid,” Josh laughed. “I’m sure what you’re thinking is not.” 

Tyler shrugged, taking in a large breath. “I just never really understand why I’m here.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I don’t know,” Tyler leaned back. “ I don’t know why I do anything anymore.”

Josh titled his head sideways. 

“I don’t understand this biology homework, but I don’t know why I even care or why I am doing this. I guess because I want to get a scholarship and go to college and get a job and please my parents, but my life is just going to be cookie-cutter.” Tyler sighed. “I don’t know."

Josh put his book down from his grasp. “I don’t think that just because you don’t have a purpose now doesn’t mean you won’t find one in your future.” 

“I don’t see myself ever having one,” Tyler mumbled. “I’ll work my boring desk job when I’m older after I complete these stupid years of school and deal with all this on my own.”  

Josh looked at him. “I think it will get better.” 

“I’m tired of waiting for a future I don’t even want.” 

Josh’s eyes grew wide. “Don’t say that.”

“I don’t know why I end up telling this to you anyway. I don’t really like talking about this out loud.” 

“But you should,” Josh began to speak, but Tyler cut him off.

“I can’t be a bother much longer,” he rambled, shaking his head and beginning to stand up. “I have basketball practice to get to.”  

“I don’t want you to be upset during it,” Josh protested, eyes wide with concern. 

“I don’t even know you that well,” Tyler grabbed his backpack. “Do I?” 

“Yeah,  _ I  _ think we do,” Josh’s eyebrows curved inward. 

“I have basketball now,” Tyler stood there. “I don’t think I know them either.” 

“Tyler—” 

“Or Jenna. Or anyone for that matter.” He didn’t really know why he was saying all of this. “I’ll just leave now I guess. I’ll deal with this on my own time.” 

Josh blinked, and Tyler was gone. 

What had he done?

 

 **Wednesday: November 22, 2006.**  

**Tyler** : Hi. This is Tyler. 

**Josh:** you texted me!! yes, man. finalllllly. 

**Tyler** : I wanted to apologize for yesterday. I just wasn’t really thinking straight. 

**Josh:** we all have those days. no worries. as long as you’re good i’m good. 

Tyler stared at the text messages and was deliberating over responses. He almost wanted to leave it at that, but a weird force compelled him to stay and talk. 

**Tyler** : Yeah, I’m okay. It was just a stressful day. A lot was going on. 

**Josh** : well you seem like you got a lot on your plate!!

**Tyler** : I guess so. 

Tyler stared at the screen and sighed, desperately wanting to change the subject. For once, he wanted to have a  _ normal _ conversation, void of basketball or stress references. He didn’t want to only know Josh through his own rambling.

**Tyler** : How is the drumming going? 

**Josh** : it’s going so well o m g. t’s fun and we have a show coming up next weekend so we’ve been practicing a lot. i also work at a guitar center so when no one’s in the store i sneakily practice. 

**Tyler** : Are you guys playing nearby? 

**Josh** : it’s about a thirty minute drive? i think. u wanna come?? id love to have you hear some of our stuff.

Tyler felt his heart warm up. 

**Tyler** : If I don’t have basketball!! When is it? 

**Josh:** nov 25

**Tyler** : I actually don’t have a game. Maybe because Thanksgiving weekend, I guess. 

**Josh** : sooooooo you’re in? 

**Tyler** : Yeah, I guess I can be there!

**Josh** : YES i hope you love it I really have a lot of fun

Tyler sat back in his chair and smiled.  _ Fun _ , he thought to himself with a laugh. That felt so foreign. 

**Tyler** : What type of music do you guys play? 

**Josh** : it’s basically alternative rock. do you listen to that kind of stuff? 

**Tyler** : To be honest, I don’t listen to much music. 

**Josh** : WHAT hOw do you live

**Tyler** : I guess what’s ever on the radio on the way to school. I don’t really have much time for it. 

**Josh** : because basketball 

**Tyler** : Right.

**Josh** : you need to listen to more music. i can give you some song recommendations? 

 **Tyler** : Sure! 

 **Josh** : start with read my mind by the killers and see what you think. it’s new 

 **Tyler** : Okay. 

Tyler smiled to himself as he opened his laptop and began to search Read My Mind on Google. The first link that came up was a video on MySpace, and he clicked it. 

There wasn’t a music video, but there was just an audio clip. The quality wasn’t too good, but he plugged his headphones in and began to listen to a synth sound. 

**Josh** : what do you think

**Tyler** : It’s just starting!

When the drums kicked in and the lyrics started, Tyler was hooked. Why had he never seem things like this before. 

**Tyler** : I’m really liking it so far. 

**Josh** : of course… it’s genius

Tyler closed his eyes and listened, his surroundings melting. This was  _ good _ . The drums, the bass, the singing, the lyrics… 

**Tyler:** How come I never heard anything like this on the radio? 

**Josh** : hopefully soon, but like i said it’s new. but it’s alternativeeeeeee, tyler! you have to listen to that instead of pop. 

Tyler chuckled. 

**Tyler** : I’ll make that change. 

The song was just about finishing up when Tyler heard his mom’s voice call him from downstairs. He glanced at the time, and his heart stopped. He needed to make his baskets now. 

**Tyler** : I have to go practice some basketball, but we’ll talk soon? 

**Josh** : of course man

**Tyler** : Thanks for the music. 

Tyler left it at that before he shut down his computer and tossed his flip phone on his bed. He wished he could have kept texting Josh. 

 

**Saturday: November 25, 2006.**

**Josh** : im outside of your house

**Tyler** : I’ll be right there!

Tyler immediately raced to his bedroom window after receiving that text, and his face lit up into a smile when he saw Josh’s car. He told his parents that he was spending time with a friend that Jenna had introduced him to, as Jenna’s approval would often meet their own criteria, but he didn’t want them to see who was actually driving the car. He wasn’t sure that they would like Josh. He wasn’t like his basketball _friends_  

Tyler scurried down the stairs and called out to his parents that he was leaving, and he let out a sigh of relief as he closed his front door and headed to Josh. It was a black, small car that was a little roughed up around the sides, but it was so _Josh_. 

Tyler’s heart was pounding as he turned the passenger door to climb into the seat, and when making eye contact with Josh, his face lit up.

“Ready for some sick music?” Josh grinned, his eyes moving into a squint. 

“I am,” Tyler leaned back. He felt like he a rebel—he didn’t normally lie to his parents and sneak off with a random guy he met at school. He knew that most kids his age had done far worse, but Tyler too often only wanted to please them. Maybe, he thought, he could please himself for once 

Meanwhile, while Tyler was lost in his thoughts, Josh was rambling on. “—the people in the band aren’t my best friends, so if anyone says anything weird or is a bit distant, don’t be alarmed. Like I said, I’m only filling in for his band. It’s not like these people are my best friends in the world— 

“That’s okay, Josh,” Tyler nodded. “Trust me, I’ve never been to one of these things. I’m not going to judge you  _ too hard _ .” He smirked.

“Okay,” Josh breathed out, seemingly relieved. “I just don’t want it to be like I’m dragging you out here, and then you’re disappointed.” He paused. “Especially if the whole music thing isn’t your cup of tea.”

Tyler shook his head. “No, I’ve just never gotten into it. I loved that Killers song, remember? I’m excited, and I really want to see you play.”

Josh smiled. “Don’t get your hopes up though. The whole audience is either incredibly emo teenagers with dyed hair and fringe or middle aged men who nurse a beer the whole time and seem disinterested. And you’re neither of those.”

“I think I could play the emo teenager part if I wanted to,” Tyler laughed. “I have dark hair already. All I need is some eyeliner.”

“I have some in the back if you’d like,” Josh smiled.

Tyler laughed, but Josh shook his head.

“I’m serious, Tyler! Don’t underestimate me!”

The two fell into an easy conversion for the rest of the ride, and Tyler wondered why he hadn’t found a friend like this sooner. If he could consider this a friendship.

Once they arrived to the venue, Tyler and Josh had to depart in separate ways. Josh was called backstage by his band, and Tyler was forced to mingle in the audience until they were set to perform. When entering the audience, Tyler immediately noticed that Josh was right—Tyler didn’t fit in. 

The venue was small, but there weren’t even that many people there to fill the space. Some people seemed into the underground music crowd and were gathered around the stage in anticipation, but others stayed to the back with their drinks. 

Tyler found the corner near the drum set and stayed there, silently observing. It was weird to think that this is what some people did; they came and played or watched music, and there were no coaches or scholarships or nervous glares from parents on the sidelines. Tyler wondered what it would be like if he were in this crowd instead.

But he felt awkward here, like he didn’t belong. He had grown up on the sidelines with a basketball in his hands, and he had grown up in his backyard shooting basket after basket. Basketball was what he knew and what he was good at, and he couldn’t leave that. 

Tyler leaned back against the wall and sighed, shaking his head to clear his mind of thoughts.

However, the stage soon lit up and the members of the band emerged. Josh came out from behind the curtain and settled on the stool near the already set-up drum set. He threw a cheesy smile and thumbs up at Tyler. 

He grinned back.

Tyler then scanned his eyes across the stage, observing the people that were Josh’s bandmates. Everyone seemed slightly older than Josh, especially the singer, and Tyler thought about what Josh was saying in the car: he was just filling in. 

But Tyler didn’t have too much time to think as the bassist started to play, and a low rhythm started to drone on through the speakers. Tyler’s eyes, however, were on Josh.  He was full of movement, even though he had not started to drum yet, and the curls on his head were dancing to the sound of the bass. Soon, though, Josh began to curl his fingers and grip his drumsticks, and Tyler bit his lip in anticipation.

Once the drums came in, all the instruments joined in a harmonious tune. It was a full sound unlike anything Tyler had ever heard before, and Josh seemed to be immersed into the every progression and change. His eyes were closed in focus and enjoyment, and he was hitting each beat like it was second nature. The smile from his face didn’t falter with very hard hit and _boom,_ and Tyler instantly knew that he would not be disappointed. The energy radiating from the stage didn’t feel like the nervous energy of the basketball court or the fear he felt when standing in front of the basket to shoot after a penalty. It felt different, and it felt _freeing_  

When there was a low point in the song and Josh was only responsible for simple  _ taps _ , he opened his eyes momentarily and looked into the crowd at Tyler. Tyler grinned back eagerly, and he swore that Josh started to drum even harder and louder after that. 

The song eventually came to a close, and the singer began speaking into the mic, introducing the band and the members. When he called out Josh’s name, Tyler let out a holler and tried not to laugh. Instead, Josh laughed at him, and Tyler’s stomach felt like it was being torn into pieces 

He tried not to think about that though, and instead, he focused on the music and the feeling. His parents didn’t know he was here, and no one was judging him. Josh looked like he was at home on the stage, and Tyler wanted to feel that too. This was a place void of stress and void of pressure. He wanted to put that feeling in a jar and capture it; he needed it to stay 

He needed the sound of Josh’s drums and hard-hitting beats to stay, and he needed the way Josh smiled and danced in his chair to stay. He needed the feeling of freedom and peace to stay, and he needed the smile burning onto his face to stay.

He needed the night to last forever in song, and he hoped that the set list was never-ending. Each song was radiating energy mostly supplied by Josh, and even though the sound was not what he was used to at all, he pinpointed his focus onto the beat and wanted to live in it. 

But eventually, when one of the songs came to a close, the singer once again started speaking into his microphone. “That was the last one for tonight,” he started, bringing his hand to his face to wipe the trickling sweat. “Thanks for coming out to see us play, and we’ll have our CDs at the bar if you’d like to check us out more.”

The crowd clapped and hollered, and Tyler joined in. He could feel Josh’s gaze burning into the side of his face.

“Our next show is across the town at Nathan’s Pub next Sunday if anyone would like to join us again,” the singer said, raising his arm into a wave. “We’re House of Heroes. Thanks again.” 

The claps and screams repeated from the audience, this time louder, and the band began to pack their instruments and equipment up from the stage. Tyler just wanted to find a way to get backstage and find Josh, and he was burning with enthusiasm and excitement to tell him how much he enjoyed the show. 

Tyler wandered around the venue, though there wasn’t much to explore, and eventually stumbled upon a door labeled ‘ _ Backstage’ _ . He pushed it open and was surprised to find it unlocked, but he didn’t waste any time complementing it and simply began heading down the long hallway. 

He didn’t even have to open the many doors lining the sides before he saw Josh in the distance carrying a snare drum, and he dashed up to him without wasting any time to breathe.

“That was amazing. The best thing I’ve ever seen.” Tyler let out a laugh. “Your energy up there. You on the drums.  _ Wow _ .”

 Josh just did his signature grin, the one where his eyes squinted and pulled upward. Tyler met his smile back.

“Do you do that every week? I want to come to the next one. I don’t think you get how much I loved that,” Tyler continued with his rambling. “What you do up there is really  _ really _ cool.”

Josh took a step back and bit his lip to conceal his even larger smile. “I really didn’t know if you would like it. I didn’t want to scare you off.”

“No, not at all,” Tyler immediately started speaking again. “The rawness and freedom of it all was— _ refreshing _ . It’s nothing like I’ve seen.”

“I’m glad you liked it,” Josh said, awkwardly moving his balance between his two feet.

A silence developed between them next, like they both had something to say yet didn’t want to admit it. Their eyes were locked into each other’s; their faces bright with smiles. 

Tyler could hear his heart flutter and his stomach churn and his mind race, and he wondered if Josh was feeling the same way. It was tempting to wish for that, but Tyler knew he couldn’t let himself fall into that trap. 

Josh took a step forward and cleared his throat before speaking.

“You want to meet me at Taco Bell tomorrow?”

 

 **Sunday: November 26, 2006.**  

Tyler arrived in the Taco Bell parking lot at approximately 11:48 a.m. which was a staggering twelve minutes early, even though the ride to the fast food chain was only a mere three minutes from his own house. An excited anxiousness sat in his stomach while he remained in the car, and his eyes were fixated on the entrance to see when the black car he rode in yesterday would arrive. His parents were consumed with a day of Zack and Maddy’s basketball in Pennsylvania, and Jay was too occupied with his GameBoy to even notice Tyler slipped out.

Tyler wasn’t ever sure he wanted to merge the two worlds he was living in. One of them was his  _ perfect _ life as a basketball player: friends and parties and pressure and scholarships. The only one was still developing, merely like roots peeking through the soil taunting him with honesty and freedom and music and emotions. 

But Tyler didn’t want to deal with combining his two seemingly separate lives, and he didn’t need to. Tyler just continued staring out his car window, hoping that Josh would be there soon. 

And when Josh pulled up a couple of minutes later, Tyler’s face carried a large grin as he watched the other boy park in the spot next to him despite an empty lot.

It didn’t take long before Josh was opening his car door, beginning to step out. “Ready for some  Cheesy gorditas?” 

Tyler opened his door as well. “What about that new chapula?” He laughed back. 

“I didn’t know there was another person at school who was a Taco Bell addict like me,” Josh responded, holding the door open for Tyler to walk in. “You seem to be just as knowledgeable about the menu.”

Tyler laughed. It was easy to let himself laugh around Josh. 

Immediately, a thick whiff of meat and cheese greeted them as they stepped inside, and Josh let out a chuckle. “This is what home smells like.” 

The two then proceeded to get in line and order, both picking out multiple items from the menu and a Redbull. They settled down at a booth in the corner, one next to the window where they could hear the soundtrack of oncoming traffic and watch the cars sweep by. Tyler stared out to watch this scene as Josh began diving into this bag of Taco Bell. 

“You gonna eat?” Josh joked, taking a large bite out of his meal. “This”—he laughed—“now this is  _ good _ .”

Tyler grabbed his own bag and nodded. “Of course.”

“I almost applied to work here instead of Guitar Center,” Josh laughed, in between mouthfuls. “I was just thinking about all the free food I could get.”

Tyler smiled. “What made you pick Guitar Center?”

 “Well,” Josh started, “I wanted to save up for a new kit of drums, and it would be easier with a discount. I think that beats getting a free taco with any shift.”

“A free taco with any shift?” Tyler shook his head. “I disagree. You can’t beat that.”

“I get to play the drums when there aren’t any customers in the store. And there, I’m guaranteed that my dad won’t yell at me for being able to hear,” Josh continued.

Tyler nodded. “What made you want to play the drums?”

Josh shrugged. “Stress relief, I guess. It’s easier to pound out my emotions.”

“Have you been playing since you were younger?”

“I got a mini drum set for Christmas when I was ten,” Josh laughed, “but I didn’t start really playing until I was about fourteen. What about basketball?”

Tyler sat back. “I’ve been playing since I could walk basically. My parents both played, so they raised me as a basketball player.”

Josh nodded. “That explains why you’re so good.”

“It’s been a lot of practicing, yeah,” Tyler admitted. “It’s practically my identity at this point. It’s all anyone knows me for.”

“And is that necessarily a bad thing?” Josh asked. 

 Tyler shrugged. “I guess it’s not terrible, but lately, it’s been feeling more like a curse than an opportunity.” 

 Josh nodded, and Tyler sat back, thinking. All of their conversations somehow made their way deep into purpose and beyond the surface level, and Tyler admired that about Josh. It wasn’t just merely talking just to talk; it was actually getting to know someone. 

“When I watched you guys perform on stage, I could see that you belonged there. When you were playing your drums, I just could tell that you were having so much fun and letting loose,” Tyler continued, proceeding slowly as his mind came to the words. “Basketball doesn’t give me that same feeling. It just makes me nervous all of the time, and it feels more like a burden.”

“That’s definitely not how you should feel about it,” Josh chimed in.

Tyler sighed. “I know. Getting a scholarship and going to a school to play basketball makes me feel sick. Every time I see the scouts line the sideline and my dad up in the bleachers, I want to run off the court. The people on the team are awful too. I don’t know how I put up for it and swallowed it all during the past years. Now, it just came out of me all of a sudden. I can’t take it.” 

Josh sat back. “Have you ever told your parents any of this?” 

Tyler shrugged. “No, it’s too late now. I’m too deep into this mess.” 

“But don’t you want to pull yourself out before you get deeper?” Josh asked, setting down his food for a sip of his redbull. “Before it spirals too out of control.” 

“I don’t really have the strength to do that,” Tyler spoke honestly. “I feel like it would make matters worse.” 

“How so?” 

Tyler took a sharp breath in. “My parents would get mad at me over quitting basketball. I’d be wasting my life and my time. I have no backup plan. And they’d be right.” 

“But isn’t it better to be lost than trapped somewhere you don’t like?” Josh asked gently.

Tyler shook his head vigorously, his voice soft but still confident. “No.” 

“So you’re going to live your life following other people’s plan for you rather than your own?” 

 “It’s just going to be through college, and maybe a bit after that,” Tyler sighed. “I’ll get through it.”

“You shouldn’t be just getting through it. You have to carve your own path,” Josh continued. “It’s your own life, man.”

“I don’t think you realize that I don’t have a choice,” Tyler’s voice was quieter. “You don’t get what this feels like.”

“Yeah, I guess I don’t.” Josh began to unpack his second burrito. “I hope you don’t mind my trying to give you advice.” 

“No, I appreciate it,” Tyler responded, looking out the window at a point. “I just have to do some thinking.”

A silence developed as Josh bit into his burrito, and Tyler look a sip of his Red Bull. They could faintly hear another customer order at the checkout and the sound of tires rolling on the nearby road. 

“Do you ever feel trapped?” Tyler asked.

“Trapped?” Josh shrugged, leaning back. “I guess I feel more alone.”

Tyler hummed.

“Like I was saying that the band I’m in isn’t really  _ my band _ . I’m just filling in. My home life is kind of shit, and I have maybe one friend at school besides you. Brendon is great, just a little crazy,” Josh bit his lip, his eyes focused along the floor. “He has better friends than me too. I just tag along.”

“I know the feeling,” Tyler murmured.

Josh gazed up for a second but quickly looked down again. “I get such bad anxiety when I’m with people, and I don’t mind being alone most of the time. But it’s just that I go home sometimes to an empty house, and it’s so quiet. Too quiet. My dad works late, and my mom and siblings live in the center of Columbus—bad divorce,” Josh shrugged. “I can’t take it sometimes, but sorry that’s a lot."

“It’s not a lot,” Tyler spoke as he tried to catch Josh’s eyes. “It’s kind of refreshing to hear that other people are struggling too.” 

But quickly, Tyler’s eyes went wide and he shook his head. “I don’t mean it that I’m  _ glad _ you’re struggling. I just—I mean—

“I get it,” Josh laughed. “Don’t worry. We’re in it together.” 

“Yeah,” Tyler smiled, releasing a large breath. “Who knew conversations at Taco Bell could get so deep?”

“But I like that about you—about us,” Josh continued to grin. 

Tyler nodded and stared into Josh’s smile. He didn’t have to watch it from afar his time; he could see every inch and crevice of his brown eyes and every curl and twist of his brown hair. 

“We’ll talk again tonight?” Josh asked, “And text?”

Tyler couldn’t have nodded any faster.

 

**Friday: December 1, 2006.**

“Happy Birthday, Tyler!” His mom greeted the basketball team with cookies, and the boys ravenously swarmed the platter. Sweaty hands immediately began grabbing the small circles filled with chocolate chips, but Tyler hung back and watched everyone grab food. 

He wasn’t really hungry. He was just glancing at the clock, hoping that he still could plan to meet Josh at eight o’clock. It was nearly half past seven.  

Last night, Tyler had stayed up last the previous night completing a math packet and an English essay that were due today. His dark room, late in the night after a basketball practice, was full of sprawled notebooks and textbooks across his bed and thoughts crawling through his mind, but ultimately, it was a lonely place. Luckily, the illumination from his phone screen provided some comfort, and it eased a bit of his isolation with Josh’s texts. Josh stayed up until two in the morning with him, not forgetting to make sure Tyler took a break at midnight to celebrate this birthday. The two had hung out almost every since day since being at Taco Bell, becoming fast friends and easy companions. 

But he hadn’t really celebrated his birthday since then. School was frantic, and Tyler was engulfed with constant work. Unfortunately, his basketball game was also scheduled right after school. Tyler told Josh about his uneventful plans that would only wear him down, but Josh had disagreed and forced him to do something that would cheer him up. Right after his basketball game, Josh offered to let him come and hang out at his work near closing. There usually weren’t that many customers at the store, and Josh said he had a surprise for him.  

And the anticipation was eating at Tyler as he stood in the gym, surrounded by friends and family piling in and out of the bleachers and sweaty boys crowding around him. He seemed frozen in the commotion; everyone around him was bustling with energy in the moment, but Tyler’s feet were glued to the ground. He blinked twice, turning his head sharply at his surroundings, his stomach in knots. This is never where he wanted to be. 

 He had to sneak out to Guitar Center on his own. He told his parents that his team was all going out after the game, figuring it would be easier than explaining why he was skipping a potential _family_ _birthday dinner_ to hang out with a random guy at his work. 

 An empty feeling nestled into his stomach on the ride there. He still had pop music playing in the background of his car. 

 Nonetheless, Tyler walked in fifteen minutes before eight, sprinting out of his car and running towards the door of the store. There were next to no cars in the parking lot, and Tyler prayed Josh wasn’t busy. The store was set to close in a couple of minutes anyway.  

When a drumming beat was coming from the entrance as he approached the doors, Tyler couldn’t help but smile. It was definitely Josh, and it meant that they would have the store to themselves. 

He grasped the handle and pulled it open. The drumset was pulled to the side, but Josh immediately threw his sticks to the side and removed his earbuds hastily. That smile —those squinty eyes and blushed cheeks—made Tyler’s stomach flutter.

 Josh ran up, placing his arms around Tyler’s sweaty uniform. Josh’s face landed right by Tyler’s ear, allowing him to whisper, “Happy Birthday, Tyler. I have your present over there.” 

 Tyler erupted into a smile, the butterflies in this stomach only moved quicker. 

“It’s not that big,” Josh packed away, leading Tyler to the counter. “But after some long and hard deliberation about what to get you….”  

Josh quickly reached under the desk and pulled out a box with a card that read “Tyler”. He placed it on the counter and looked around. 

 “You’re free to open the box now, but leave the card for when you get home,” Josh said, and Tyler nodded, biting his lip as it moved into a smile. 

“You really didn’t have to get me anything,” Tyler tilted his head as he began to open the cardboard box. “You really didn’t.”  

“Of course I did. Just open it!” Josh exclaimed, hunching over to see Tyler beginning to expose the present.  

Tyler laughed, throwing his head back. “A ukulele?”    


“I wasn’t sure if you were going to like it, but I thought it would be something easy and small to start out with. I know music was never really your thing, but I promise that this shouldn’t take too much of your time. You may end up liking it. If not, you can always return it, and I can re-pick your gift or something. It’s—”

“It’s awesome, Josh,” Tyler looked up. Their eyes met. 

“You think so?” Josh straightened his back. 

Tyler nodded, and he reached his arms over the counter for a hug. “I appreciate this more than anything. You don’t even know.” 

“It’s the least that I could do,” Josh responded, their arms still interlocked. “Thank you for being such a great friend, even if it’s just been a short amount of time.” “

Tyler stepped back, looking down at his shoes. The fluttering feeling still had not been erased, and he felt a crimson color rush to his cheeks. He tried to swallow down the guilt, savor the moment, and let himself live in this new world he had created for himself. 

When drove home that night, he finally made an effort to switch the radio station. 

And in the comfort of his bed that night, Tyler opened the card that Josh wrote him and cried. He had finally found a friend. 

_ Maybe more _ , he thought to himself.

 

**Friday: December 15, 2006.**

Tyler sat in Josh’s room, strumming simple chords on the ukulele that he had just received nearly two weeks prior. Josh was tapping a pencil on his desk to a beat that matched with Tyler’s chords.

And they just sat. They had gotten used to enjoying each other’s company. Most of the time Tyler would be working on some form of homework, but he had just recently begun to bring his ukulele over to Josh’s. His parents still didn’t know about Josh, nor did they know about the ukulele laying hidden underneath his bed. This gave him limited opportunity to play it, so he used that fact as excuse to spend more time with Josh; his family was never home anyway. 

They enjoyed the light music as they played together for a little longer, but suddenly Josh’s pencil beat cut out and Tyler looking behind to him. 

Josh seemed dazed and began apologizing. “I”m sorry,” he laughed slightly. “I just completely zoned out.” 

“Thinking?” Tyler turned around fully. 

Josh nodded. 

“Well, anything that’s worthy for me to hear?” Tyler chuckled, but Josh tensed up. 

“It doesn’t really matter,” he replied, shrugging.

Tyler almost began to strum his uke again to continue, but Josh’s speaking cut him off. 

“Actually—” he began. 

Tyler hummed and titled his head up. 

“What’s your opinion on Peppa Pig?” 

 

**Saturday: Dec 16, 2006.**

It was 11pm in the evening, and Tyler’s phone lit up besides his math textbook. 

**Josh** : yesterday when i asked you about peppa pig i was gonna tell you something

His phone lit up again suddenly. More texts came.

**Josh** : i’m bi- so that means i like both girls and boys. i wanted to bring it up but i got scared and you’re the first person that i’ve ever told

Tyler felt his heart rate quicken, and he could feel a sudden heat overtaking him. Eyes locked and dry, he stared at his phone, trembling a little. He typed with shaky hands, unable to control the rising amount of anxiety building. 

**Tyler** : Of course that’s okay, Josh. 

He wasn’t really expecting this, and their friendship had never been anything more than just that. He always thought he was the only one sitting with undisclosed information, letting it eat him inside until there were only skeleton bones left. It was always in his brain nagging him wherever he walked. It was always a pang in his chest whenever someone mentioned love or girls or why Tyler seemingly talked about neither. It was always a brick weighing him down. It was always, always, always, always a secret. A heavy, brutal, nagging secret. 

But he couldn’t tell Josh his truth back, and he was positive that he would never have the courage too. His family would never understand, his basketball team would disown him, and he wasn’t even sure he could accept it himself. 

His chest began to feel heavy; his feet felt like they were sinking; his head was spinning. He felt the rising need to get his hands on something specific instead—something that had been untouched for a while—but he grabbed his notebook and ukulele instead. He hid in the back of his room, shaking still, clutching his instrument and pen like somehow they would give him the answers he needed. Through messy scribbles of poetry and random strumming of notes, the only answer that came were tears. 

 

**Monday: Dec 18, 2006.**

He totally failed his Biology mid-term, and he totally just fucked up his basketball practice. 

He had spent the previous day, studying and overworked. He had basketball training early in the morning, accompanied by his 500 baskets after in his cold driveway, and then he locked himself in his room to dedicate himself to his studies. There was so much information—he had underestimated it—but his mind seemed to be elsewhere. The thousands upon thousands of words in the textbook seemed trivial to the grander matters weighing him down. So when he took the test the following day at school, it was no surprise to him that the words seemed like gibberish and the problems left his brain in knots. Still, it was crushing to feel so utterly defeated as he walked out of the classroom, head down to avoid exposing his red, watery eyes.  

Later in the day, basketball practice had also been a hopeless cause. It was his turn to be the leader of the warm-ups, but he had forgotten to come up with a practice drill. While spontaneously trying to make something up through their first rounds of passing, Tyler suddenly couldn’t focus and coordinate and before he knew it the coach was looking at him with odd eyes and anger as he stumbled upon the ball and _why did he even do anything anymore?_  

He knew this feeling would come eventually; the culminating explosion of his building anxiety was truly inevitable. He had tried to block everything out of his mind and power through, but there was only so far that repression and ignorance could take him. Basketball was only tiring, colleges were useless, and the future was calling him to follow a path that he never wanted to set foot on. He felt like a stranger to the world around him, maybe except to one person. 

Josh. 

And that’s whose house he ended up at as a shaking, withering mess. It was after school now and after basketball practice, but Tyler hadn’t even texted him to warn of his arrival. He couldn't bring himself to do that. He just stumbled out of the practice gym and into his car and somehow landed up knocking at Josh’s door. The events of the day seemed to piercing yet hazy; the time was one blur of motion. 

However, the door opened promptly after a knock, and it was Josh of course (no one else was really ever home). Josh’s face was morphed into confusion, but he showed Tyler inside quickly while directing him into the house. 

“What happened?” Josh said, noting Tyler’s anxiety and sitting him down on the couch. 

Tyler just looked up and shook his head. His eyes were flaming with fear; his limbs seemed to be trembling without control. 

“Was it basketball?” Josh asked, noting the t-shirt Tyler was wearing and the time of the day. “Did someone say something again?” 

Tyler couldn’t get any of the words to come out. He just leaned back against the couch and sunk into its comfort. 

“Okay, we don’t have to talk about it,” Josh sighed, but his own fear was developing. He had never seen Tyler act this shut down and mute. Nonetheless, Josh moved closer to Tyler and wrapped his arms around him instinctually. 

Tyler attempted to eased into his embrace and exhaled. “Sorry,” he mumbled, but Josh quickly shook his head. 

“No being sorry,” Josh replied. “Whatever’s going on is okay.” 

“I can’t even stay for long,” Tyler bit his lip. “My parents won’t know where I am.” 

“Can’t you say you’re over someone from basketball’s house? Or that you went out as a team after?” 

 Tyler shrugged, but then he slowly nodded. “I guess I could. That would buy me some time.” 

 “I’d even let you sleep over,” Josh continued, “but your parents—” 

 “Yeah,” Tyler huffed out. “My parents.” 

There was a silence that enveloped the room. There was a distant ticking of a clock, but Tyler could only hear his own heart making a beat that was ten times louder. He decided that he would text his parents, and he sent them a message that he was out with some of the players getting dinner and that he’d be home soon. He wished he didn’t have to lie, and he wished he didn’t have to live like this. He felt his arms stiffen, and his breath hitch with that thought. 

“Are you sure there’s nothing you’d want to tell me?” Josh pushed gently. 

Tyler shook his head and began to close his eyes as he leaned against Josh. Josh took it upon himself to stop with the questions, and he began to mess around with Tyler’s hair with his fingers. Tyler tried his best to hide the slight blush landing upon his cheeks and the smirk dancing on his lips. 

The moment was still, and his heart’s beat was calming down slowly. His mind continued to be buzzing with thoughts; however, they weren’t all negative daggers aimed to destroy himself like before. Josh’s company was easing, and even if he couldn’t make the step to say what he  _ needed _ to say, the comforting touch of his hand was soothing. Just knowing he had somebody there was enough. 

They laid next to each other for a bit, and Tyler continued to think. Everything outside of this room seemed so messed up and chaotic, but this breathing room was how he wished life could feel. Everything else was fast paced and energetic and wrong. This was the opposite: slow and calming and right. 

This thinking led Tyler to stumble upon a question, and he ended up vocalizing it. “What would you do if you could do anything that you wanted to?” 

Josh hummed but then paused, so Tyler continued. “I think it’s odd to think about that question because in reality, we  _ can  _ do whatever we want to. We just don’t choose to because we think about the other obligations and opinions and people and we always forget that we’re the ones in the command of our own lives. Anyone at any time has the chance to do anything, you know? I don’t have to follow the path that my parents want. I don’t have to listen to my coach, or my teammates,  _ or—or—or— _ my mind.” Tyler sat up, some energy once again beginning to course through his veins. This time, it was fueled by a growing passion.

“Well, you didn’t let me answer the question.” 

 Tyler blinked. 

Josh stared back. 

And before he knew it, Josh was leaning in slowly. 

But Tyler ran out quickly, and he almost tripped over his own untied shoelaces. He made it back to his car as fast as he could, heart pounding even more so than before. He went to put the car in reverse as fast as he can, not wanting to encounter Josh anymore. He wanted to go home and he wanted to be alone, but it was hard to start driving when the tears came and wouldn’t stop. He thought Josh had understood that he had boundaries. He thought Josh understood he was scared. 

_ What the hell had just happened?  _

 

**Friday: December 22, 2006.**

Tyler had been ignoring Josh for five days. His phone had been blowing up with texts and calls, and he had seen him trying to get his attention in the hallways. However, Tyler strictly made sure to stay away. He had felt sickened after Monday. He didn’t even want to think about it, and he would be fine if he ignored that part of his life forever. He would be fine if he erased the feelings that had become so prominent in his mind during the past months. 

To get his mind off of things and start a journey to _forget_ , Tyler wasn’t as reluctant as usual to attend the Friday night party after the basketball game. Luckily they won, so spirits were up as everyone rallied into the Paul’s living room—high on life _and other things_. 

Tyler had brought Jenna along this time, and he planned on sticking close by her. The whole school seemed to be piled into two rooms, and Christmas music was blaring at full volume through the speakers. The room was hot and crowded in contrast to the deadly cold that was creeping in through the door, and there were snowflakes and red and green streamers hanging from the walls.  

Tyler simply followed Jenna as she initially navigated through the people, although she was much better at conversing than he was. They landed upon a group of cheerleaders that Jenna began talking with, and Tyler hung around so he would not be forced to wander alone. 

While the cheerleading group immersed themselves into a conversation about a rival team that Tyler did not care about, he let his thoughts wander once again as he observed the surroundings. There were many couples drunkenly dancing to the holiday tunes with smiles plastered upon their faces, and Tyler couldn’t help but feel a certain emptiness and longing. Why did he have to be the one who couldn’t be with who he wanted —t he one who would always get weird looks and sly comments —the one who was so gravely threatened by a feeling that was supposed to be positive?

 For a moment, he pictured himself dancing with Josh on that floor and being free. He pictured everyone else _not staring at him_ , and he pictured normalcy. He pictured his brothers and sister not making jokes when he brought him home. He pictured his basketball team never making comments. But how he felt wasn’t normal, and the world always made it a priority to point that out. 

Jenna seemed to notice Tyler’s stares upon the dance floor, but he tried to look away. Jenna, however, knew better, and she decided to speak up. 

 “Wanna dance?” Her lips pursed into a smile, and she held out her arm for him. 

He didn’t know what force compelled him to say yes and take her hand.

Wham!’s “Last Christmas” was blasting at that current time, and with both hands interlocked, Jenna pushed the two of them out into the center. Everyone else was dancing cheerily to the beat, and both Tyler and Jenna started to follow along. A voice of warning appeared in the back of his brain, alerting him that this wasn’t supposed to be right, but the trance that he was in made the current moment inescapable. _ Normal. Normal. Normal.  _

Jenna, on the other hand, seemed to be ignorant to the apprehension in Tyler’s stomach. He could tell that she did have a bit to drink, which was not  _ that _ unlike her. Her blonde locks were bouncing on her shoulders as she danced around, and her eyes were lit with euphoria. She was singing the words to the song and laughing, squeezing Tyler’s hand as they moved along the room. 

“This is fun!” She chuckled and continued twisting. Tyler bit his lip and nodded, following along.

However, within moments, the song started to die down and a new, slower one came on.  _ Silent Night.  _ Jenna just smiled and mouthed, “Let’s continue!” 

The noise in the room started to die down as the music had faded from its loud booming sound. Tyler darted his eyes around at the people not dancing, and everyone seemed to be focusing on the “couples” taking over the center dance floor. He felt  _ sick _ . 

The high energy dancing now became simple steps. Jenna took the lead and put one of her hands on his shoulder.  _ What was she doing?  _

It didn’t take long for Tyler to notice that the couples around them had starting clearing from the floor, surprised at the sudden interaction between Jenna and Tyler. He knew that people wanted them to be together, but within seconds, everyone’s eyes were suddenly upon the two of them. He could practically feel the chatter and anticipation eating away around him. 

Suddenly, a chant erupted. “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” 

Jenna looked at Tyler with squinted eyes and vibrant eyelashes. “Let’s do it,” she whispered. 

Tyler took a breath, wishing the nausea to go away. Maybe this was the chance he needed to prove to the world who he was. This was the chance he needed to start over again, to get people back on his side. 

And so, Tyler nodded back. “Let’s do it.” 

Jenna leaned in first, and Tyler didn’t flinch away. He sunk into the emptiness of the kiss, trying to ignore the sounds of hollers and claps in the background through the sound of his racing heart. Time didn’t seem to be frozen; it was rushing through the moment like a river downstream, pushing over the waterfall with full intensity and crashing upon the rocks below. 

Tyler waited for Jenna to back out of the kiss, and when she stepped back, it was only then that Tyler was able to realize the full severity of his consequences. There was peculiar taste in his mouth and he had a sweaty back and a racing mind and a constricting chest and a numb hand. Tyler needed to get away fast. He tried to play it off cool by forcing a smile upon his face, yet he scanned the room quickly for a possible exit. 

And that’s when he saw  _ him _ leaving. Josh. He had been there, watching, and he had to have seen what he had just done. He had to have seen what Tyler had just screwed up. 

 

**Sunday: December 24, 2006.**

 During the next two days, Tyler only had missed calls from Jenna. None from Josh. 

It was Christmas Eve, and Tyler’s family was busy packing to go visit family for the holiday. Everyone was in a cheerful mood, humming carols and sharing food, but Tyler still couldn’t shake the heavy feeling of sadness that was weighing him down. He knew the holidays were supposed to be a time for love and togetherness and joy, but he seemed to have lost all of that. 

He sat in the car on the drive to his grandparents house and stared out the window. 

When he arrived, he tried to dodge the questions about school and friends and relationships.

He knew that he was right last week:  _ why did he even do anything anymore? _

 

**Monday: December 25, 2006.**

Christmas Day was a repeat of the previous day; there was an abundance of family and putting on fake smiles and pretending like he had it all figured out. He was the superb basketball star, the straight A student. He was supposed to be the perfect model of a teenager, and everyone believed he was. 

Part of him thought that this was the chance to continue playing into the stereotype and live his life as lie. But another, strong, prominent part was knocking and telling him of the true things that he enjoyed. 

His Christmas presents consisted of a new basketball and a mini hoop for his room. It’s not that he wasn’t grateful —he was—but there were other intangible things that he was wishing for more. 

 

**Tuesday: Dec 26, 2006.**

When he finally arrived home on Tuesday, everything was silent. He had no plans, no one to text, and nothing to do except shoot hoops in the cold of the driveway.

He tried to lose himself in each basket, dribbling around before each one and calling the number he put through the hoop as it left his hand. He figured that maybe this was okay. He could get through playing basketball in college, and he could get through life living alone or even trying to find a wife. He could do it. 

He chased the ball after it rolled off of the driveway and began to reset his position to make more, but a car started to pull up beside his house. Tyler immediately recognized who it was.  

He gripped the ball in his hand, frozen, and immediately contemplated running back inside and pretending like he wasn’t home. However, there was no escaping the scene, and Jenna had already started to roll down her window. 

“Come in,” she motioned with her hand. “We have some talking to do.”  

Tyler didn’t bother taking steps over. “I’m busy.” He bit his lip. 

“You don’t need to shoot for more baskets,” she continued. “But we do need to work some things out.” 

Tyler sighed and shook his head. Jenna did the same, but she began to open her car door and walk out to greet him. 

 “I’ll come. Fine,” Tyler quickly said, but he was still hesitant. He wanted to make this quick, and he wanted nothing to come out of it. Nonetheless, he put his basketball in the garage and called out to his brother, Zack, that he was hanging out with Jenna if anyone asked. 

He entered the car hesitantly, but Jenna began driving.  “Taco Bell?” She asked. 

Tyler nodded and muttered, “Taco Bell is fine.” 

They sat in silence until Jenna spoke up at a red light.    
  
“I shouldn’t have kissed you,” she said softly. “That was a mistake.” 

Tyler didn’t respond. He kept his lips shut through more stop lights and more traffic until they reached the fast-food restaurant. His stomach was in knots, and he wanted to refuse to get out of the car. 

“C’mon,” Jenna had to push him, and Tyler exited reluctantly. 

The two stood in line to order food, and awkwardness was radiating between them. Tyler didn’t even feel like he had an appetite, but he ordered his favorite from the menu anyway and waited with Jenna until their food was ready. 

There were a couple of families and people sprawled across the dining section, but they decided to find a seat that was further away from the main center.  It was near a window, and as the two of them began to take their bags and open the contents, Tyler felt a pang of a nostalgia that reminded me of the times he came with Josh. He was fearful that Jenna would bring up him, but he also thought that the topic of the conversation would maybe only include the party. After all, Jenna probably had no idea about the Josh aspect of this scenario. 

“I wanted to first apologize for Friday,” Jenna started, putting her food down for a moment and attempting to look Tyler in the eye. “I thought maybe that it’s what you wanted and needed. Everyone was watching, and I knew you want to be perceived a certain way. So, I thought that it would help you in some regard, but looking back it was completely stupid and put you in an awkward position—” 

“It’s okay, Jenna,” Tyler replied quietly. 

“I shouldn’t even have grabbed you to dance with me. I was such an idiot,” Jenna continued. 

“You’re not the idiot.” 

“But I am, Tyler. It’s so unfair that—”

“It’s fine.” 

Jenna rambled on. “But I ruined everything with Josh and he was upset and—” 

Tyler blinked, panicking for a moment. “ _ Josh _ ?” 

“Oh God I—” 

 “ _Josh_?” Tyler repeated, “What did he tell you?” 

 “I-I know what happened at his house. We didn’t mean to talk behind your back, but you do realize that we are friends too. And we have classes together in school. He was upset, and he wanted to talk to someone. I’m one of the only ones that somewhat _knows_ about _him,_ so he started texting me, and he told everything that happened _._ Please don’t take this as a bad thing. Please don’t.” 

“What does he know? Did you tell him that I’m—” Tyler stopped. “ _ You know _ .” 

Jenna was silent. 

“Does this mean that you did?” Tyler fumed. 

“When he told me, I may have mentioned something!” Jenna threw her hands into the air. “I was just trying to make you happy. I know I made such a big mistake, so I tried to correct it on Friday. It was not right. That’s why I wanted you to at least talk to me because I know this mess is all my fault.” 

Tyler was clearly sweating now, and he shook his head fast and hard. “No, it’s mine. I’m the one who convinced Josh to make a move. I’m the only that kissed you on Friday. I’m the one that caused all of these problems.

“And I’m the one that’s the monster,” Tyler mumbled as he pushed away his food with finality. The thought of food was making him sick. In fact, the thought of everything was making his stomach flip with anxiety. 

“You’re not a monster, Tyler,” Jenna’s eyes were wide. “What are you even saying?”

“It’s not worth it. Just—” he paused, “—ignore it. Thank you were trying to fix things, but it’s fine. I’m fine with things being messed up.” 

“Why?” Jenna pressed, still honestly baffled. “Why is it okay for things to be messed up?” 

Tyler bit his lip and stared at the table. He felt his eyes begin to tear up, and he cursed himself for showing any emotions. He tried to squeeze his face tightly and force the pain back down, but before he knew it, a single tear slid down his cheek only to be followed by many more. He noted Jenna’s face falling through his blurry vision. 

“Can we get out of here?” He mouthed, his foot tapping anxiously against the floor at a rapid pace. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jenna immediately jumped to clear their food from the table. “We can head back to my house. No one should be there.” 

They hurriedly made their way back to the parking lot, Tyler making sure to wipe his tears and keep his head low. They finally made it into the safety of Jenna’s car, and he put his head into his hands to hide his face. 

“I’m so sorry, Tyler,” Jenna continued. 

Through Tyler’s heavy breathing, he was able to respond, “Please stop apologizing.” 

Jenna nodded and didn’t say anything else. The drive back to her house was silent except for Tyler’s sniffles. It wasn’t long, so they drove for under ten minutes with the radio dully humming to pop songs in the background. 

Once they arrived at her house, Jenna made sure that Tyler sat down, and she was quick to give him a glass of water instead of the giant Redbull that he had gotten at Taco Bell. 

Jenna sat across from him at the kitchen table. It was silent for a few seconds. 

“I don’t want to force you to talk,” Jenna began, “but it sounds like you need to.” 

Tyler shrugged. “It’s too complicated to explain. You wouldn’t get it.” 

Jenna hummed. “Would Josh?” 

Tyler ran his hands through his hair. “Maybe he would.” 

 “Would you want me to talk to him?” Jenna asked, tilting her head to the side. 

 Tyler fumbled with his hands and began to speak softly. “Is Josh… mad at me?” The last part came out as barely a whisper. 

“I talked with him all this weekend. He’s not mad at you. He was just worried,” Jenna replied, making sure that she selected her words wisely. 

“So he wouldn’t despise talking to me again?” Tyler raised his eyebrows. 

“I think he’d really want to, actually.”

** 

It was a couple hours later, and after hanging out and talking a more at Jenna’s house, she dropped Tyler off at Josh’s doorstep with a plan: to just speak and be honest. 

Tyler could feel his palms sweating and his mind was racing with things to say, but he took a deep breath and knocked.

Josh opened it quickly. Jenna had told him he was coming, and Tyler wondered if Josh had been waiting by the door.

“I’m glad to see you again,” Josh said immediately, and Tyler nodded, still nervous. Nonetheless, he made his way into Josh’s house and followed him through his living room. 

 “Maybe we should go up to my room?” Josh shrugged. “I don’t want this to be awkward.” 

 “Yeah,” Tyler tried to smile. “That works.” 

 The two climbed the stairs up, and Tyler’s could feel his heart beating out of his chest. Usually, he would hang out in Josh’s room to relax and decompress, but today was much different. However, when they arrived, Josh took his spot on the bed and Tyler took the chair in the corner, just like usual.  

Without hesitation, Josh immediately started to talk.

“I was so out of line last week,” Josh shook his head. “I shouldn’t have been so forward and tried to  _ fucking _ kiss you.”

Tyler felt the sudden need to speak up, angry that he should have been the one apologizing and explaining his own mistakes. “I shouldn’t have run away and ignored you, and I was an idiot for kissing Jenna!” Tyler confessed back, leaning against the chair with a long sigh. 

There was a silence. 

“I don’t like Jenna like that, just so you know,” Tyler said smally. 

Josh nodded. 

“I was just scared,” Tyler continued. “Really scared.”

“Of?” Josh was quiet as well. 

 Tyler took a deep breath. He looked away from Josh and focused on a spot on the wall, trying to focus on hearing a single thought of his through his blaring nerves. He opened his mouth to speak, but he was overcome with hesitancy. However, he needed to cast aside the doubt at once and focus on be honest. He just had to speak, and he just had to say what he had been feeling for so long. No more hiding. And so, he restored his breath again and closed his eyes for a moment, delivering the thoughts that had pierced him with anxiety for so long.

“I have a crush on you.” Tyler mumbled. His eyes remained closed, and he could not look at Josh to see his lips curving into a small smile. However, the moment still remained serious. 

 “I—I—” Tyler continued, feeling the sudden need to explain himself. 

“I’m really glad you feel the same way,” Josh smiled, his voice sounding fresh with relief. Tyler didn’t feel renewed. He felt gross.

“It’s so  _ wrong _ .” Tyler bit his tongue. 

“Why is that wrong?” Josh asked. 

“It’s not normal!” Tyler jumped. “The basketball team would think it’s weird, my family would think it’s weird—” 

“Well, do you think it’s weird?” 

Tyler looked at his feet. He couldn’t answer, but he knew that Josh knew what he was thinking 

“Is this what makes you scared?”  

Tyler continued his stare at the ground. “It’s what makes me _sick_ ,” he mumbled.  

“Tyler…” Josh said softly. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” Tyler responded promptly, practically shaking along with each word he spoke. He closed his eyes tightly and forced himself to suck up all his emotions. He was not going to cry again—no—especially not in front of Josh.

 “It’s okay to be scared.” Josh stood up from his bed and began walking over to Tyler. “You’re allowed to feel this way, and _fuck_ , it is so scary. I agree.” 

 Tyler nodded and began to slowly look up as Josh made his way over. 

 “I would never force you to do anything. That’s the last thing that I’d want. But you have to realize that this fear that’s holding you back is only going to make everything you feel worse. It’s going to stop you from doing all the things you truly love.” 

“You don’t get it. It makes me so so so  _ sick _ ,” Tyler repeated. “Whenever my siblings or my parents or my teammates look at me, I wonder what they would say if they knew about this. I wonder how they would look at me then. I wonder how much of a f—”

“Tyler.” Josh was more forceful. 

 “I never want to love anyone, ever.” Tyler was visibly shaking. 

“You have to let yourself, Tyler,” Josh sighed. “You have to let yourself love whomever you want, and you have to learn to love yourself as well. You keep yourself trapped in this bubble of fakeness. You hate basketball, and you hate pretending that you’re someone you’re not. Yet, you don’t change, and you keep yourself in this box. You’re not going to get better unless you change. You’re not going to get better unless you let yourself be who you are.”   

“That feels wrong,” Tyler mumbled. “If I quit basketball, my parents would absolutely hate me. I’ve been working so hard to get a scholarship, and my teammates would terrorize me forever. If I decided to come out as—as—” he paused, “—everyone will look at me different. It’s not even legal to get married, shouldn’t that tell you something about how _bad_ it is. It’s unlawful, it’s—it’s—”  

“You don’t have to tackle everything at once. Maybe just start small, and start with things that you can work on internally. Plus, _hey_ , times are changing,” Josh continued. “In ten years time, just think about how different the world is going to be. It’s already happening now.”  

“It’s not happening with me.” 

“But it is. You took a step forward and came out to me today. That’s huge.” 

“But Jenna already told you!” Tyler protested. 

“It still counts.” Josh sighed. “ You have to believe in yourself, and you have to want to love.”  

“I want to love you.” Tyler could feel the tears coming again. His lip started to tremble, and Josh noticed. He wiped a tear away for Tyler as it slid down his face. 

“Can you try?” Josh looked broken. 

Tyler shrugged. 

“For me?” Josh pushed again. 

It took many tears and many hugs, but Tyler eventually agreed. It was only a simple nod, it stood for more. He would try. For Josh. 

 

**Sunday: December 31, 2006.**

On the last day of the year, Josh had invited Tyler over to his house to celebrate the New Year. Josh had set up streamers and balloons and put out those infamous glasses, and of course, he had bought taco bell for them to share. He said that his dad was going to be out at a party all night, so they were free to do whatever.  

Ever since their conversation the prior Tuesday, the two had made it a point to hang out whenever they got a chance. They would drive around town, sit in Josh’s room and talk for hours, or when both of those were not possible, they would text. 

The idea of being more honest with someone was still new and scary to Tyler, but he was doing the best he could to try to make it work. It was odd to suddenly grant himself permission to expose more of his real self, but Josh was so easy with him. The thoughts screaming at him to stay silent and cover up were dulled by Josh’s comforting reassurance. His feelings were safe with Josh. It was  _ okay _ to feel that way. 

And every time Tyler looked in the mirror, he made sure that he knew who was staring back at him. This wasn’t a new person coming out of the woodwork; this was always who he was. 

 Tyler noticed he was staring into space, eyes still fixated upon a ribbon hanging from the ceiling, but Josh came up from behind to snap him out of his trance. “Appreciate my decorations?” Josh laughed. 

Tyler nodded, stepping back and blinking his eyes to zone back into reality. 

“All from the dollar tree,” Josh raised his eyebrows. “What a steal.” 

“But those tacos were not from the dollar menu right? They’re the real stuff?” Tyler smiled back. 

“Those are the real stuff,” Josh confirmed. “Only the best for you, and all your favorites.” 

Tyler blushed slightly. “Stop it. You like it too.” 

“Fine,” Josh chuckled. “Well, it’s going to get cold if we stand here discussing it rather than eating.” 

Tyler nodded, and so, the two began to dig into their food. They always seemed to be talking over burritos, but it was fine. It was them. This was real. 

They still had five hours to pass until the ball was supposed to drop on the television, but they only had the TV distantly humming in the background as performers and talk show hosts went in and out of the frame. The main noise was their conversation; it was a conversation about where to go from here. 

“I have a feeling I’m going to live in this town for the rest of my life,” Josh shrugged between bites. “My family is a mess, and college isn’t going to pay for itself.” 

“What about the money from working at Guitar Center?” Tyler asked. 

“It’s not enough,” he sighed. 

“And you can’t start a career as a drummer?” 

Josh laughed. “House of Heroes is already a mess. I haven’t played a gig with them in over a month,” he paused, “and there’s no passion there.” 

“Maybe you just need to find a singer.” 

“A two piece band?” Josh chuckled, but Tyler nodded. 

“We’ll see…” Josh continued, but he was quick to turn the conversation around. “What about you? And you’re not going to say basketball.” 

“I can’t just  _ quit _ now,” Tyler sighed. “My dad would kill me.” 

“What about at the end of the season? Just don’t play in college.” 

“That’s a deadly sin in my house. Plus, I’d be wasting money for a scholarship.” 

Josh shook his head. “It’s about what you want, not other people.” 

“I’ve never had any other plan,” Tyler replied. 

“Then make one.” 

The two stared at each other for a couple of seconds. 

 “Want another burrito?” Josh picked up another bag. 

** 

It was finally only about ten minutes before the ball was set to drop and the New Year was about to begin. Josh was wearing both a hat and glasses to sport the occasion, but Tyler had settled on only a streamer in his hand. Nonetheless, they had migrated to the couch and were watching the last performance take place. Tyler, however, could feel Josh’s gaze upon his own face instead of the TV, but he didn’t mind. 

“It feels like this year has been the only year I’ve known,” Tyler declared. 

Josh titled his head. “What do you mean?” 

“I don’t know,” he shrugged in response. “I don’t remember how I survived before I met you. Everything’s changed, and it feels like it’s been that way since forever.” 

“Is that a good thing?”  

“I think so,” Tyler responded. “I think change is what I needed. And still need.” 

Josh nodded. “It’s changed for me too. Every memory from my last school and life feels so old.”

“And is that good?” Tyler asked back. 

“I think so,” Josh smiled, repeating the same words that the other boy had earlier. “I know you’re good."

Tyler smiled, turning back again to the television. “One minute left of 2006.” 

“One minute,” Josh straightened his back, fixing his hat and glasses. “You ready?” 

Tyler laughed. “It’s going to feel the same.” 

“C’mon, have fun!” Josh chanted back. “It’s a new year, and a new start.” 

Tyler rolled his eyes, but Josh quickly continued as the countdown began. “Twenty seconds. It’s almost here.” 

Once the counting had reached the single digits, the two of them joined in with the television. The ten seconds never seemed to pass any slower, and time was crawling. The ball was lowering with little speed on the TV, and anticipation was building. 

But finally, it was here; the ball dropped, the countdown landed on zero, and Josh was making random, loud noise with a small horn to celebrate. 

Tyler laughed, and the two looked at each other. That curly hair and that squinted smile never had changed from the first day of school when Tyler spotted Josh in the lunchroom line.

Josh put down the horn. 

On the TV in front of them, the camera was panning to the couples in the audience, kissing, and immersed in a certain bliss.

Josh just smiled, and Tyler knew his face was burning red. 

This time, it was Tyler that began to lean in. 

When their lips met, Tyler immediately knew that it was different from before. It was different from the anxiety-ridden fakeness of his encounter with Jenna. It was different from the voice in the back of his mind telling him that it was wrong and filthy and scary. But it was also different from the feeling of fireworks and completion, although the emotion that he felt, he would argue, was much bigger and much greater that. What he felt was safe. What he felt was soft. Gentle. Home. Normal. Right.

Tyler didn’t want to cry, but somehow he did. Josh noticed when they went apart. 

“Ty,” Josh was quick to respond. “Are you okay?” 

But Tyler nodded fiercely, unable to escape the inevitable smile dancing upon his face. “I’m more than okay,” Tyler choked out, and Josh embraced him quickly. 

Both tears and a smile at the same time is like when a rainbow exists with rain. However, the counteraction of seemingly positive and negative things are always the realest depiction of life. 

They sat there together in each other’s arms for a moment, taking in the air that was high with emotions. 

Josh, however, broke that silence with a question: “Do you have any New Year’s resolutions?” 

Tyler didn’t move; he was just resting his head upon Josh’s back. “I think I’m going to tell my dad that I don’t want to play basketball next year.” 

Josh smiled, but Tyler couldn’t see it through their hug.

“What about you?” Tyler asked back.

“I think I’m going to find a lead singer,” Josh nodded. “And a boyfriend.” 

Tyler backed up, and the two were looking directly into each other’s eyes. “Me too. But I think I may have already found one.”   
  


**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this in the summer time, and I never thought I'd finish this. A lot of who Tyler is is also who I am, so this was very cathartic to write. 
> 
> If you enjoyed this or have something to say, please leave a comment. That would mean the world. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this small piece of my heart. I know it is not perfect, but I worked very hard. <3


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